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About those two years of solitary confimenent

some excerpt

We’re almost out! Corona is behind us! New ideas, a blank canvas, a plot to fill! Did we stand still all that time? Or did we miss the opportunity to turn this into a profit?

A personal story unfolds my personal (torn) perspective.

Back to Normal? Or Has Normal Held Us Back?

I know well how I felt in March 2020, 2,5 years ago. Put on pause, uncertain, waiting for things to pass.

I had only just started my new job, being my unconfident self, getting to know new colleagues, trying to stand out a bit, and ready to spend too much energy on things that lie outside the boundaries of my regular job. As I always do.

But I felt I had to put myself and my progress on pause. Reset.

After a few weeks, I considered my position — an apartment for a great price in Berlin, a fiancee waiting to get married, a wedding planned and almost funded — and the opportunities in a new job. Being a “manager” of sorts (even though a Product Owner isn’t really), it would take time to adjust to “working from home”, but even that felt like a win.

But there’s also the other end, where my fiancee works in tourism in Berlin, with a niche carved out in Dutch stone, with closing borders and tight restrictions in place. We had to adjust our lives.

Two and a Half Years Later

I’m currently sitting on the couch and waiting again. For a war to pass in Ukraine, the final corona rules to be lifted, the day turning into night, day 400+ ‘working from home’ the reality we live with.

I’m tired. Not from moving out of Berlin into a small community, engaging in challenging projects, and successfully growing myself at diconium. Not from rebuilding and decorating a house to turn it into a home. But tired from waiting for it all to be over.

I have a history of depression and anxiety, putting the expectations on myself and my surroundings so high that no one can match them (and I feel I implode).

I constantly sense that the corona shroud still covers us all with fear and anxiety. With the endless struggle of getting up in the morning and going for the next day ‘from home’, fighting the time away, perhaps letting other people’s more ‘motivated’ spirits be a guidance for a moment, even though that is toxic. We’re all just tired of fighting.

What the Ideal Future Might Look like

I visualise to reach my goals. If I can’t see it, I don’t think it exists. I hope to be back in the gym soon to enjoy a workout, go into the office after and meet up with colleagues. Enjoy lunch in an overly crowded Berlin restaurant, discussing where to get that afternoon jolt of espresso (because there are so many).

I talk in 1:1’s with colleagues and friends about their experiences and how they’re dealing with the extra inputs and dress-ups because there is an office again. I would only feel je-ne-sais-quoi enough to go to the office in my jogging pants.

I only go there once, maybe twice a week. I visit colleagues in Portugal more often than before, if only for the better weather and a relaxter lifestyle.

My evenings take place on our terrace outside, reading a magazine or doing garden work, cooking with fresh homegrown veggies, and BBQ’ing with friends or neighbours.

We travel often to family or friends — a luxury I could only dream of (or sneak in hoping no one noticed)

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